Guide to Avoiding Work
Picture this: You have had exams to study for and papers to write for school all week. Your dad’s birthday was Tuesday and your strange uncle flew in from his questionable dwelling in Timbuktu just to wish your father a happy birthday. With tests to study for, essays to write, a birthday to plan and a relative to entertain, you may feel as if you are going to overload at any second. As the week finally comes to an end, you embrace the soothing weekend with open arms, more ready than ever to relax. That is, until your English teacher decides to assign a project on Shakespeare due the following Monday. Your brain is boiling! Your fingertips ache and your whole being screams, “No more work!” Fear not overwhelmed over-achiever! You will not be completing another tedious task, and I can show you just how to avoid it! Follow these easy steps to successfully evade any dreaded assignment.
First, think of everything else that needs to be done. Your poor dog has been neglected for days. He sure would appreciate a walk. Look at your split ends! A hair cut could do wonders for you right now. Once you begin thinking of other tasks that have been patiently napping in your subconscious, starting and completing an English project will appear to be a trivial part of your weekend. Before you know it, ideas will inundate your mind and the pestering assignment will disappear from your brain.
Next, avoid parents or any other adult with substantial authority. Such people as these will only disapprove of your desertion and heckle you to accomplish your assigned homework. Some ways to distract them from your own personal life would be to ask them about their own (if absolutely necessary). Make the conversation quick and be sure to make a speedy dash before they realize the notion to politely ask/ nag you about your life. Always remember this strategy: When in doubt, excuse your way out! This tactic can be used in worse-case scenarios when your parent or authority figure asks you specifically what you should be doing. In such an instance, refer to the mental list of duties you accumulated for yourself to do and use them as excuses.
For most studious over-achievers, a short burst of panic may erupt once fully realizing you will get a zero for the assignment you did not even attempt. Once this happens, you will need to know how to calm yourself: Take deep breaths and put on a fine, soothing bath. Light candles and maybe even listen to some calming music. Consider the possibility of future extra credit assignments, if truly needed. The world will not end if you make one zero for one project you did not do in one class. Once successfully calm, continue enjoying your work-free weekend.
Congratulations you temporary slacker! It is Monday morning, your uncle is gone, your dad’s birthday long over, and your project nonexistent! The best part is you have never felt better. You have successfully avoided your assigned task, now you must confront the consequences: Expect your teacher to be upset. Do not cower away. Accept the responsibility that you indeed did not do your assignment. Hold your head high and take any criticism that may be castigated upon you. Do your best to go down with dignity, however, if this mature confrontation does not go as planned, there is a plan B. Always remember ‘When in doubt, excuse your way out!’ Not recommended for the confrontal step, excuses may help if the situation gets out of hand with your teacher, or possibly later in time, your parents.
With every new Monday there is a whole new week laced with new homework assignments, new surprises and new burdens. We all must accomplish the tasks that are casted in our direction in order to prosper. However, when enough is enough and you are not capable of completing another obligation, the Guide to Avoiding Work will be right here to help.
